“I am entirely on
the side of the mystery. I mean, any attempts to explain away the mystery is
ridiculous…I believe in the profound and unfathomable mystery of life…which
has a…divine quality about it…” Aldous Huxley
And so do I.
Today is my first
anniversary of diagnosis. This date is blazoned into my mind/body just like a
birth date. Impossible to forget. As I look back a year ago, it is humbling
that I could go through such a profound change in twelve months and now be back
where I began and yet…and yet…everything looks different.
A year ago when I
received my diagnosis of breast cancer it was a Friday at noon and I was in the
last day of the Healing Journey training. Just before I got the message to call
my Dr. on his cell phone, I had completed the task of visualizing my “inner
healer” and it was at that time when I received the gift of my red boat and the
words, “you are not alone” from this visualization/imagery exercise. Of course,
I thought I was healthy so I had done this exercise using the difficulties of
my life and what was it that helped me through those trials. Little did I know
that a few minutes after doing this guided visualization that I would be face
to face with a cancer diagnosis.
And this red boat
filled with all of you kept me afloat these past twelve months. I truly have
not been alone. You have no idea what your presence has meant to me or how you
have helped to keep me on course. I have no skill to express my appreciation
and my “from the bottom of my heart love” for what you have given me,
how your kindness and companionship has comforted me and how your good cheer
and cheerleading has helped me to thrive.
When I “woked up”
again today, I was aware, like everyday now that there is no such thing as an
ordinary day. At any moment it could be otherwise. There will come a day when
each of us won’t wake up. We just don’t know when that will be. I have come to
see that we have little if any control over how long we live. I know that there
are all kinds of messages out there on how to prevent this and that, but
ultimately from what I have seen there is no inoculation or formula or recipe
that guarantees our 30,000 days. (about 82 years)
There is, however,
a lot we can do about the quality of our everyday life whether we are in
perfect or less than perfect health. And that is where I have turned my
attention now. Those joyful wrecks and peaceful warriors and unsung hero’s
going about their daily business of living with the ups and downs of marriage,
kids, jobs, neighbours, sickness, health, communities, financial and other insecurities…”the
full catastrophe,” as Zorba puts it. Here and now, we have opportunities
everyday to increase or decrease our suffering, joy, meaning, fun, purpose…you
name it. It really is seeing “things as they are” and with grace and dignity
and tears and laughter embracing the whole nine yards. Always working to change
and improve those things that are important to us but doing it with light
heartedness, laughter and serenity. There truly is no better time than now: now
is all we’ve got. And who can claim otherwise? I know many people who didn’t
get to see 2009 and it was not through lack of courage, will to live, or
through being cavalier about their health. They wanted to live as much as the
next person but there was no treatment available for them to prolong their
lives.
I am worried when I
hear the word “prevention” because it is a slippery slope to blame and false
security. I prefer “risk reduction.” There are absolutely things we can do to
reduce our risk of heart disease, depression, anxiety, cancer, diabetes, dying
in an avalanche or a car…but there is no prevention. And all of those things
that we can do “up our chances” of a longer and healthier life but with no
guarantee.
I meet people who
are angry when they get sick because they bought the “prevention” idea. They felt
betrayed. And yet the opposite isn’t true either. In other words, if you live a
wildly unhealthy life you rarely get off scot free. It seems to me, that in and
of itself, the gift of life is worth nourishing and caring for. When we do the
things that nurture body/mind/spirit we flourish, and we are more apt to help
others in our circle to flourish too. It seems to me that when we do this, we
automatically cultivate a sense of gratitude for this rarest of opportunities,
this greatest of gifts, this gift of life.
We then get to bring awareness and appreciation and joy (no matter what
else is going on) into our daily moments.
When I think of the
love and meaning and memories I have experienced with others I wouldn’t trade
any of it with the exception of where I have wronged and hurt others. I deeply
regret my own lapses of judgement and as I have written before, I always will.
But I don’t regret a moment of my life. I have been generously and gracefully
supported from the first second, in the big picture, through easy times and
difficulties. I no longer expect that life should be this or that or that it will
get back to “normal” if normal means problem free. Who do we know who has ever
lived this kind of life?
When I got cancer
my one security blanket of good health was pulled out from under me and to my
amazement I found an entire safety net of generous spirited, loving and highly
trained fellow humans beneath that one, ready to catch me in my free fall. I
was not alone. I am not alone. This past year has been filled with gifts, thanks
to you.
And today I say
“yes” to life. For however long that is. There are many things that I had hoped
to do that I will never do now. And there are other things that I had never
planned to do that I now will. I do see that there is a delicate balance
between knowing I won’t be around forever and simply abandoning ship to do
exactly as I please. And quite frankly these choices still aren’t always clear.
But learning to listen to my body and my heart helps and giving space and time
to hear the still small voice within that can help guide our choices, including
our faithful obligations, also helps. Duty itself isn’t a bad word as long as we aren’t a
slave to duty at the expense of our soul. Distinguishing between
self-centredness and self-care; wants and needs; the faithful yes and the
unfaithful yes, seems like a life’s work.
Surprisingly, the
week I went back to work, after my welcome back party on the 6th the
next three days were spent in the Healing Journey facilitators workshop once
again, doing levels three, four and
five, with the same group of people who were there a year ago. This workshop
was supposed to have happened back in November but because of a personal emergency
of one of the psychologists from Toronto, it was cancelled and recently
rescheduled for Jan 7th , 8th , and 9th. Now
that is rather mysterious, don’t you think?
The tricky thing
about feeling well is that it is easy to slip back into old patterns. What I
learned in these last session’s of the Healing Journey was the importance to
stay awake, to continue to make an “all out effort, using healthy mental and
physical practices, to help our body’s
natural healing powers and minimize the chance of a recurrence.” (risk
reduction not prevention) And to continue as Carl Jung, among others, has
pointed out, to cultivate our spiritual practices, have an open mind and be
willing to change: “if we are not engaged in seeking meaning after mid-life, we
may be wasting our time.”
So, dear ones,
although my body appeared to know that this was a significant week-end and I
cried at the drop of a hat, I am filled with joy and gratitude today and
everyday. Life is good. You are all treasures. I thank you for your friendship,
caring and love in spite of my short-comings. (and along with my good points)☺
Know that you are
loved by me and appreciated by me from the depths of my heart. As always, Trudy
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