Our Granddaughter Sophie has a book I love called Grumpy Bird. The author and illustrator is Jeremy Tankard and the book begins like this:
When Bird woke up, he was grumpy
He was too grumpy to eat.
He was too grumpy to play.
In fact he was too grumpy to fly.
"Looks like I’m walking today," said Bird.
Sometimes the “wreck” part of me feels like this. So today when Gottfried asked me how things are going, I said “looks like I’m walking today.” What I love about this metaphor, however, is that I’m still walking and so is bird. Part of being a joyful wreck is that there are times when you do feel wrecked. The last couple of days my right arm is painful because of my “wrecked’ veins from all the IV’s. In fact one of the chemo nurse’s on Monday, looked at my veins and said,”I see we are doing what we do best around here, ruining veins.” And we laughed.
The ability to co-exist with discomfort, of all kinds, and still perceive that today is a precious gift is not always easy. Especially since we are conditioned to retreat from what we don’t like or fear. Yet it makes all the difference to the quality of my life right now, in this minute.
The truth is, my arm hurts. I feel rather nauseated. I wish I felt different. Today I wish I didn't have cancer. And still I woke up. How good is that! I got up on two strong legs. I sat down with Gottfried and had my bowl of cereal with a sliced banana. The birch tree outside the dining room window is wearing a beautiful leafy green dress and the birds are singing. The air smells sweet and has a quality of spring exuberance that is almost palpable.
In this moment right now life is perfect. Just take it moment by moment. (advice to myself)
With love to all my dear hearts. This wouldn't be the same without you. Trudy
Sophie will one day love this post. We were at the library last weekend and all of a sudden Sophie looks at one of the bookshelves (filled with 100's of books) and yells out "Mom, Grumpy Bird"! Sure enough there it was, she could spot that book spine a mile away. Sophie too loves that book and I'm sure to hear "looks like I'm walking today mom" from her one day in the future. I will reply "that's OK...as long as you’re walking it will be ok". We miss you dearly and can’t wait to “walk” with you very soon. My love, M.
Posted by: Meghan Innes | May 16, 2008 at 01:03 PM
dear Trudy,
I have sent those lines from Grumpy Bird to at least three friends and relatives - and included my thanks for the ability to walk, even skip a step or two on a bright spring day. My youngest sister is a choreographer who has been creating a work based on Amelia Earhart, which will premier in a week, a piece about the love of flying which has a line in it about falling up into the beautiful bowl of sky - using photographic projections of kids on swings, trampolines, teetertotters, skateboards in and around her dancers who are on trapezes - with lots of spacious blue beyond. But I'll bet there are plenty of days when she feels buried in all the details of organizing this production, and so I sent her Grumpy Bird's words, hoping they will bring a smile to her as they did to me. In fact, I think I'll see if VIRL has that book. . .
love to you, with wishes for a stroll through blossoming streets today
patsy
Posted by: patricia ludwick | May 18, 2008 at 11:46 AM
On Tuesday I found out that Trudy has cancer, I didn't know that! I was shocked and sadden and angry and all those things that we feel when we have bad news.
Today I am reading her blog and crying and laughing and enjoying and suffering with her and with all her friends and family and Gottfried.
Oh I am so sorry, I will pray for you all.
Posted by: Rita Shannon | May 22, 2008 at 02:42 PM