Lean Into It

Learning to ski at the age of 45 gave me an approach to my recent cancer diagnosis and treatment at age 61. (16 years later, hmm) On a magnificent slope in the Swiss Alps, with blue sky and the best snow in 50 years I was an eager and reluctant novice skier (yes, we can indeed be many things at once) Shaking with fear, with tears streaming down my face, my spouse and ski instructor Gottfried gave me advice that served me well then and is serving me well now: lean into it, he kept saying. You will have more control if you lean into it.

When you learn to ski at 45 the fear factor is high. I would watch three year old Swiss children barrelling down the mountain while I stood frozen to the spot. My natural reaction when I got scared was to pull back and what happened, as all skiers know, my speed would increase and I would lose control and crash. Learning to lean into the mountain and staying over my boots slowed me down and gave me a modicum of control. And so I learned by falling down and getting up again and by the end of the season I was even able to make perfect eights with my instructor.

When I received a different “winter shock” in January of this year my first reaction was to pull back. The fear factor was high and my entire life was spinning out of control. All of a sudden there was a steep learning curve rather than a steep slope and this time the vocabulary consisted of words and terms like “grade of tumour” not to be confused with “stage,” mastectomy, risk of recurrence, bone scans, MRI, ultra-sounds, Her2, ER and PR and yes, the dreaded chemo. All of a sudden, I went from rarely seeing a Doctor to having several and armed with copies of reports and tons of literature, it occurred to me that since I clearly was setting out on a new, unexpected, and even dangerous journey that my best bet (for me) was to “lean into it.”

And I did. And I am “leaning into it even now as I write.”

So rather than “slog” it out I have decided to “blog” it out. This blog will become a place where other joyful wrecks can tell stories. My intention is to post for the next 100 days, what I am learning and noticing, and where others living with illness may find some encouraging words, some humour, some beauty, and some quiet space. And as I become adept, perhaps links to other wonderful and glorious sites.

I was inspired by Patti Digh at 37 Days and my friend Patricia Ryan Madson at Improv Wisdom to take up blogging. When you get a cancer diagnosis it is not a death sentence but it is a reminder that all of our days are numbered. Patti Digh asks, what would you do if you only had 37 days to live since one day that will be true for all of us?

With that in mind I am writing this 100 day blog primarily for my children and grandchildren and of course for Gottfried and the rest of my amazing family, friends and colleagues at Wellspring. Writing down what matters. Weaving that golden thread through it all so that they will have something to pick up and move forward with, and so that I will not lose track of where I have been and where I want to go. And if you dear reader find something useful or helpful here I will be delighted.         Trudy

Comments

[Patricia Ryan Madson]

Brava, Trudy! When we lean forward it helps us literally to open our eyes to what is in front of us. Right now in front of me is a healthy long needle pine that my husband planted behind our house. It's beauty reminds me of all things natural. I love the idea of blogging instead of slogging along. Welcome to this world of happy, helpful posting.
Patricia

[Linda]

I just love this image of "leaning in" to our challenges. (I can just picture Gottfried, ski instructor, giving this wise advise). I am going to lean in to my day today. Thank you, Trudy.

[Karen Cain]

My dear Trudy, I appreciate your thought today as I prepare my garden for the burgeoning spring. As a novice gardener I had a plan for my garden and it has only been through experience that I have learned to 'lean into it' . The garden knows what it needs, I only need to listen and be aware.
When I do this, all things work together to produce the healthiest and most beautiful of gardens (and lives) Karen

[Nancy Wright]

Dear sweet Trudy!
You are my inspiration every single day. And as I get on my bike I will think of you and Gottfried as I learn to 'lean into it'....however I had better be careful cause if I lean too far the peloton of riders might not be too happy!!! :O)
Thank you for your beautiful words....they are so like you...beautiful inside and out.
Love and hugs to you
xoxo

[Trudy]

Thank you dear ones. Your encouraging words mean everything to me. Much love, Trudy

[Lenna]

Hello Trudy, I just found your blog through Patti Digh and I must say I have loved my first visit. Especially the poem "I love your hair" that you shared. Your writing about this, and other things, speaks volumes. I am glad you are doing this 100 day project. sincerely, lenna andrews